I used to have this cute little blog called Houston We Have a Problem, it was my way of kicking, screaming, crying, and venting without actually doing all of those things all of the time! It got me through some really dark days after Nate's Type One Diabetes diagnosis and then again after Sophie's Crohn's Disease diagnosis. And a few days in between! 

I love to write and express myself through that outlet. I found as I moved further away from the diagnoses and found happiness in other aspects of my life I needed HWHAP less and less. Or maybe more accurately there were fewer things to write about and words did not come quite as easily. Also, Facebook has become a miniature blog of sorts where I can share, vent, and overshare! 

I often share about the kids and what is going on with each of them and the toll that each disease has taken on each child in our family. Lately though, I have shared a bit more about the toll that they have taken/are taking on me. Diabetes is ever challenging but after nearly 7 years it does fade into the background a little bit and becomes more like breathing or blinking on most days. There are of course, days that if diabetes was a person I would punch that person in the face but most days I just breathe. 

Sophie was in remission for a good stretch with a few set backs here and there but Remicade has been good to her for 4.5 years. When Crohn's disease fades into the background you move forward as quickly as you can and separate yourself from the hell that it can be during times of non-remission. 

In October of last year Sophie experienced a setback and we had some tough weeks or was it a month? Crohn's Disease is not pretty, there is no way to put a pretty bow on it, and package it up. It is horrible. It is messy. It is mean. It is exhausting. --In October I let myself slip back into the place I had been after her diagnosis. I was on mom-autopilot dealing with everything the best I could at the time. What that meant for me is that I put myself last in every way possible. Even with the very things that I know I need daily to get through it all. And we did it --- we got through it. But what was the toll on the family? I was once again a shell of the mom I know that I can be.

Fast forward to March 2016 when I had to go to the doctor for allergies and an ankle injury. Allergies? Why were those back? I was sick again for the 3rd time in a short period and felt worn down physically and emotionally. It all hit me when I stepped on the scale and the nurse causally read off the numbers. Ummm - what? I was sick, worn down, tired, AND had gained 20 pounds! I would love to say how did I get here? But I knew. I had stopped working out like I love to do, I had stopped running which I love, I was not being consistent with my Plexus products at all. I was running on fumes and let myself slip so far backwards. 

I had to sit down and really think about what was going on. I had to make a commitment to myself. I had to commit to begin working on putting myself first. As a mom that feels so overwhelming, it feels impossible, and it feels pretty selfish at times too! Right? The reality is that we can't take care of others if we don't take care of ourselves! What good am I to my children, to my husband, to my friends, to my family if I am an 'empty cup'?

Line. Drawn. -----> In the sand! 

I started back. Right then and there.

With exercising (like I should), running, eating right, and Plexus. 

By convention (June) I was back! I felt better, had more energy, I was happier, healthier and down 20lbs. I was a new person. Again. 

Now we are facing our next storm. The Remicade is not working like it should. We are facing the awful reality that it is time to explore new options to get her back into remission. We are facing all of it together. I am vowing to myself, to my family, and to my friends that I will not pour from that empty cup. There will be tough days but I will find the time to take care of Sophie, the other littles, the husband and myself. 

Surviving motherhood on lots of love, compassion, forgiveness, and Plexus! <