I've been waiting all day.  I called twice.  It should have been here by 3p.

Here we are now 7p and the UPS truck just rolled up the street.

Finally.

Sophie's next dose of Humira is this Friday and I've been waiting for it to arrive.

It is stressful for me knowing she needs this medication and not having it on hand.  I have to call each week and set up a time for delivery.  Then wait.  I hate the waiting.

This week is a big week.  Her 3rd dose.  Friday.

An update on Sophie:

When we started the Humira Sophie was taking 40mg of Prednisone to keep her symptoms at bay.  We have dropped her dose by 5mg each Saturday since her 1st dose.  A week and a half ago we dropped to 15mg and after 2 days on that dose her symptoms started coming back.

She had been to the fair with her dad ---
Fair food.  It had to be the fair food!!

But, it was not the fair food.  The symptoms increased.

This last weekend while we were on vacation, her dad and I decided to increase her dose back to 20mg in hopes that she would start feeling better.  Her doctor fully supported this decision. After several days on the higher dose ---today she is feeling better with no symptoms.

What does this mean?  Why is this happening?  Is the Humira not working?

When she started Remicade it seemed to have worked instantly.  Maybe it wasn't instantly but she had been so sick that it did seem to bring almost instant relief.

It has been a tough 7 days.  I have no idea what our next step will be.

She is scared.  I am scared.
She is concerned. I am concerned.
I cannot tell her everything will be ok.  I do not know that it will be.

Her doctor has ordered stool studies, called in more prednisone, and wants to start her on Flagyl.  She said it can take time for the Humira to build up in her system.

More waiting.  Waiting for it to work.  Waiting to find out if it will work.  Is this going to work?  Please let this work!

An update on the mom:

These last few days/weeks/months have been hard.  I have struggled more than I thought I would.  It is hard to see your children struggle and/or suffer.  She was in remission for so long, that besides going to the hospital every month for treatment, it was easy to forget that she has such a debilitating disease.  It was easy for me to push it all down and live as normally as possible.  My understanding is that this is pretty common.  Once you get through a bad flare into remission you just want to forget.

Maybe I never fully dealt with her diagnosis.  It was just months after Nate was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes.  I was probably in shock or denial or still in the diabetes diagnosis haze.  And let me be clear --- there was a big haze!  There were tears and there was sadness but it was all a blur from the haze.

I'm not sure I ever really sat with the sadness. I was too busy making it better for her and for Nate and for everyone else.  I firmly believe that it is ok to be sad and I think for a long time I have tried to hide all the sad and the mad from Sophie but I know now it is ok for her to know.  She has always been so stoic and brave --- I want her to know it is ok for her to be sad and mad or both at times.  It is also ok to be scared.  This is a big disease to carry and she needs to find her way.  I can't do it for her - I will be beside her every step of her journey to become her own warrior.  We have always called ourselves warriors.  Warrior Mom and Warrior Little!

I am reading the book, Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton.  This woman is in my head and in my soul.  As I was reading her words yesterday on the plane, they are so much of everything that I am and that I believe and that I want for my children.  She is like a magical unicorn that has been inside my crazy brain! Or maybe we are all more alike than most feel comfortable admitting? Slightly off topic but it is a great book that should be read by all!

My biggest take away yesterday while reading was a reassuring confirmation on something I had written down earlier this year and she said almost the same thing in her book.

For my children -- Making them warriors: I cannot take away their pain, I can sit with them in the pain because it is part of our journey.  We can handle hard things because we are warriors! With all of my soul I want them to be warriors and always warrior on! Part of becoming a warrior is being brave enough to feel it all and walk through it all.  That is how you find the beauty -- you have to walk though and feel it.

I feel it all and I will continue to walk through it.

Sophie and I are going through a sad season but we will walk through it together.  I love walking beside her and watching her grow strong and resilient.

Last Friday was Sophie's 2nd dose of Humira and our 1st time to do it at home ourselves.  There were a few tears and a lot of nerves - Sophie and I were both very nervous! 

She was nervous because she knew how it was going to hurt and I was nervous because I knew how it was going to hurt her too.  

It goes against everything in your mommy soul to hurt your child.  I remember feeling this way after Nate was diagnosed with diabetes when I had to hold him down to give him his insulin shots.  Those shots have gotten easier for us and I know the Humira shots will get easier for us both with time too.