Unfortunately, my current mom status doesn’t allow such indulgences. Around two this afternoon I removed myself from my bed and showered. Then dressed. Not in jammies. 

Ian and I took the kids to see Jumanji which was very good. I laughed at the movie but then cried because... grief. 

I’ve been most worried about Nate. He’s taken my dad’s death the hardest. He told me “Mommy, I cried harder than Emma and Sophie.” He and Dad had a special bond because I’m relatively sure dad always wanted an athletic son and well, all he got was me!! So Nate was the next closest thing!! They also both had insulin pumps, Dexcoms, blood sugar checks, and all of the exhausting things that go along with diabetes. I think they admired each other’s strength equally. This picture was taken Saturday the 23rd as our family was all together celebrating the holidays.  ❤️

As I was writing this and worrying about Nate this evening, it was Emma that had a complete breakdown. I found her sobbing in her room. Tomorrow is her 1st basketball game since Christmas break and Saturday when we saw Grumpy he promised her he would be there. We cried and cried. And then cried some more. She will be ok - we will be ok but tomorrow will be tough. 

I’ve always felt like a strong warrior mom since I’ve always fought fiercely for them but this fight isn’t for them - it’s for me, and it’s so hard. I just feel tired and broken and sad.

Edited to add that I read every comment and I’m so grateful for each and every one. They’ve made me laugh, cry, and feel so less alone on this journey.