Today I woke up so very sad. I wondered if I was crying in my dream or if I just never stopped from the night before?! It was the first day Ian has gone to work since before Christmas. He was gone when I woke up, being completely alone with my sadness was overwhelming. Probably needed but still overwhelming.

The kiddos returned home today, so I knew I had to attempt a bit of normalcy before they arrived. I had to go to Target to return some sheets I purchased for dad’s hospice bed, pick up some milk, and other household staples. The familiarity of Target and grocery shopping was too much. I cried a lot at the Target.

Surely, there should be some sign we should be able to wear when we are grieving to let others know - perhaps the homeless chic attire should have given it away, but I’m fairly sure I looked like that most days even while my dad was still alive. We need something more obvious - like the Scarlet Letter but instead of an A perhaps just G for grieving or an M for mourning?!?

Someone honked at me today while I was driving and I screamed inside my car ... MY DAD JUST DIED! Then I laughed at myself until I started crying again. Is that even normal? I’m going with yes, yes it is.

I picked up ESN from their dad’s house this afternoon. I screamed at them on the drive home and used 327 F-Bombs because Sophie and Nate immediately started fighting in the backseat. Then I started cry-yelling (that’s a word!) at them that I would never ever see my dad again. Then we all started crying. For sure not one of my finest mom moments. I can only hope that they will show me so much grace and one day understand that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to navigate as a parent.

So, that’s my day in a nutshell. I probably won’t share every day but writing is my therapy, and one year from today I will be able to look back and see how far I’ve come ...

I love that when I loaded this photo, Facebook automatically tagged my dad.  ♥️